01 REBRAND THEFT AS DISCOVERY

If you take something that isn’t yours, just call it an "expedition" and slap your name on it. Boom, legacy secured.


02 REWRITE THE STORY IN YOUR FAVOR

Who cares what actually happened? If you write the history books, you get to be the hero.

03 DIVIDE AND CONQUER

Why fight one strong group when you can turn them against each other and rule the scraps? Classic strategy.


04 MONOPOLIZE MORALITY

Be the self-appointed judge of civilization, even if your own history is a bit... messy.


05 EXPLOIT, EXTRACT, EXPORT

Take resources, leave instability, then act shocked when people are still dealing with the aftermath centuries later.


06 MONETIZE THE CULTURE YOU DESTROY

First, tell people their traditions are barbaric. Then, sell it back to them at a premium as “exotic” experiences.


07 NEVER APOLOGIZE, JUST RENAME

When your actions become indefensible, just rebrand—colonies become “protectorates,” and theft becomes “cultural exchange.”


08 WEAPONIZE INDIVIDUALISM

Teach people that working together is "backward" so they never realize their collective power.


09 GUILT? JUST GASLIGHT INSTEAD

f anyone brings up the past, tell them it’s time to move on. Bonus points if you accuse them of being divisive.


10 TAKE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING

Even if you borrowed, stole, or outright forced people to build it, make sure the world remembers you as the genius behind it all.


11 TURN OPPRESSION INTO A VIBE

Nothing says prestige like naming buildings, roads, and universities after the very people who looted entire continents.


12 MAKE YOUR LANGUAGE THE DEFAULT

Force people to speak your tongue, then mock them for their accent. Bonus: Call their native language "primitive" while borrowing words from it.


13 CONTROL THE NARRATIVE, CONTROL THE WORLD

Own the media, the art, and the textbooks, and suddenly, people will thank you for “civilizing” them.


14 TAKE THE LAND, LEASE IT BACK

Kick people off their ancestral homes, then charge them rent for the privilege of living on what was once theirs. Capitalism at its finest.


15 GIVE IT A FANCY NAME TO JUSTIFY IT

Genocide? Try “manifest destiny.” Exploitation? “Economic development.” Slavery? “Indentured labor.” Euphemisms are your best friend.


16 OUTSOURCE THE VIOLENCE, KEEP THE PROFITS

Train local elites to enforce your rule, so when things go south, you can blame “bad governance.”


17 GATEKEEP PROGRESS

Develop a country just enough to keep it dependent on you, then act confused when it doesn’t magically become a superpower overnight.


18 STEAL SACRED ARTIFACTS, CHARGE ADMISSION

Pillage ancient treasures, put them in a glass box, and charge the descendants of the people you stole them from to see their own history.


19 EXPORT YOUR PROBLEMS

Need cheap labor? Ship them in. Need a scapegoat for economic woes? Deport them. Globalization, but only when it’s convenient.


20 FRAME RESISTANCE AS TERRORISM

When people fight back, make sure the world sees them as extremists instead of freedom fighters.


21 TURN TRAUMA INTO TOURISM

Convert sites of historical atrocities into “educational experiences” and make sure your country profits from the ticket sales.


22 NORMALIZE EXTRACTION, CALL IT AID

Lend money with impossible conditions, then act like a philanthropist while ensuring the debt keeps them under your thumb.


23 PATENT NATURE

Take indigenous plants, slap a trademark on them, and suddenly, the very people who cultivated them for centuries need your permission to use them.


24 CENSOR THE RECEIPTS

Ban books, suppress studies, and silence scholars who dare to tell the full story. The truth is bad for PR.


25 PLAY THE VICTIM WHEN CONVENIENT

If former colonies demand reparations, cry about how it wasn’t you personally who did it and how "both sides" suffered.


26 MAKE OPPRESSION TRENDY

Co-opt decolonization language to sell handbags, self-help books, and wellness retreats. Nothing like capitalism to make injustice profitable!


27 SELL THE IDEA OF WHITENESS

Convince people that proximity to you is the key to success, then watch them police each other while you sit back and reap the benefits.


28 BREAK A COUNTRY, THEN OFFER TO FIX IT

Destroy infrastructure, destabilize governments, then swoop in with “foreign aid” attached to a long list of conditions.


29 REWRITE YOUR OWN CRIMES AS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE

When forced to acknowledge history, frame it as an “unfortunate chapter” rather than a foundational principle.


30 CALL IT GLOBALIZATION, NOT COLONIZATION

When you run out of land to take, start controlling economies instead. Empire 2.0, but with better branding.